Not even sure who reads this anymore. Not even sure it matters, just want to journal and keep track of things that have been happening.
Just as planned, as I do everything, we got pregnant this March 2016. Easy peasy as usual. Turns out this pregnancy was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever endured. All normal things, cravings, weight gain, stayed somewhat active, gym once a week and spinning too. Documenting my belly growing. My last real belly pic was 20 weeks. Then the bleeding came. I am no stranger to bleeding as I did my entire first pregnancy. Doctor saw no reason why it should matter.
Maybe its because I had a toddler Im chasing after, or stairs I go up constantly, or the exercise I was allowed to do, maybe my body is too small this time around or maybe I am being punished.
26 Weeks, we decide to go on a baby moon to Newport, Rhode Island. After that nothing was the same. I refer to the trip as a switch that got turned on that never got turned off. We spent two great days, at the beach, shopping, eating lobster, hanging out, until our second night there at dinner. I began to bleed, but more than normal. There were clots, there was bleeding and I thought we should check in to the hospital. Baby seemed fine and they found nothing wrong, I was transferred for the first (and apparently not my last) time in a stretcher to the another hospital (Providence) that was bigger in case something happened. All seemed fine, they gave me a steroid shot in my but to help develop babies lungs just in case. I got a second shot on my way home. Was told by my OB to take it easy for a few days. And I did. Then I was told I could resume activity. 2 weeks later we go to dinner (27 weeks and a few days) I felt a cramping. It continued for 2 hours on and off but went away and I went to bed. Same thing the next night, but went away.
My husband travels for work, so he had left to go to Maryland. I walked the dog, I made dinner for my son, I got up the next day and got him ready. I went to the grocery store, walked the dog again and went to the drs to check it all out. He finds nothing again. Just told with no explanation that my cervix is "sensitive" and it bleeds. Ok. Fine. I go home, I lay down, I walk the dog. I climb the stairs. My son comes home from my parents house and I feel cramping again. This time it won't stop. I put him to bed, I scream and I scream and I scream. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew.... something was wrong. I kept hearing the dr tell me NOTHING was wrong, so I tried to get comfortable. I couldnt. I timed the pain. 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 2 minutes, EVERY MINUTE. I told my son "Don't worry, mommy will just be screaming" I call my parents "I need to go to the hospital"
After that everything happened fast. My mom scooped up my son, my dad was crying, my father in law grabbed the dog, my mother in law was rubbing my back. I was screaming. Ambulance was here and my second stretcher ride came. To the hospital. Not the one I had planned my luxurious easy birth with the lobster and the grand piano in the lobby. But the hospital I didn't think I would go to.
I screamed at the nurses, they ran a test, got my insurance, told me baby was breach, they felt a foot, and I was 8 centimeters dilated. Even with my first birth, I was only 1 cent for hours. I was in denial still. I said to them "Are you saying Im having this baby right now?" they said yes. Emergency C section was in my future. Inbetween contractions and signing my life away I answered the phone to my scared husband "Honey, its happening. Come home now" click.
Rolled into surgery, I begged the anesthesiologist not to paralyze me. He gave me the drugs, my body went numb. I turned around and my mother in law was dressed in full scrubs next to me. As they were opening my body up and moving my organs around, we talked about the weather, my sister in law, school, per functional things. I heard a little cry and my daughter was born, September 12th 10:56pm at 2.2 lbs a 28 weaker (micro-preemie). They took their time to sew me up. I heard the drs voice telling me I can NEVER have another vaginal birth again. All I kept thinking was I never want to do this again anyways. However, when someone tells you never, its hard to swallow. I just wanted the pain to stop.
I was in recovery, with morphine dripping through me, not allowed to see or touch her. I named her Harper. My husband was not there, although he had known this was the name for a while. Yet, it felt nice to pick the name without distress. He cried on the phone (he never cries) he's sorry and he wishes he could be there. I know. I know. I know.
None of this was in my plan. So here we are one week tomorrow of her birth. Harper Raegan (Raegan means little impulsive one, a warrior and confidant and stubborn) Perfect for my little fighter. As preemies go, she is breathing on her own (dr says it was the magic steroids in Newport) and she hardly takes too much from her CPAP (Compressed pressurized air purifier) I believe?! She is tiny, so she needs to gain a ton of weight. So we will wait. 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks max we hope. And take her home when she is done cooking.
Each day is a roller coaster. I have emotions that I never knew that I had. I hate Facebook often. I hate those pregnant women (some are my very good friends) who have fat bellies and are reaching 30, 35, 37 weeks and complaining. Why can they hold their babies in and I can't? I hate seeing pics of two kids and smiley faces with no hardships to endure. I hate all of it. The pain from the c-section is maddening. Its so awful and the hormones are staying with me. Amongst a million other things not in my plan, I am pumping to give my baby the nourishment she needs. I wanted to bottle feed. And part of me thinks I am going to mess this up too. Eat the wrong foods, hurt her belly, poison her.
Part of me wants to fall asleep and wake up 3 months from now ready to take her home, fat and happy and healthy. And the what if factor weighs heavily. What if she doesn't make it, what if she has long term sight, hearing, breathing, anything issues? Why did I do this to her? Why me?
Ive had a really bad year. Why god thinks I can handle all of this I will never know. I am paying for the sins of my past. I will forever beat myself up in my head. I try to find solace but nothing. I just think time and healing will help. People I know don't know what to say, and some are just so selfish. Its amazing to me how differently I look at the world sometimes. Its amazing to me, how I can see myself shutting down. The thought of my husband being away again makes me cower. Just one push and I will fall down and never get up again.
Hoping to read this later on with a brand new perspective. Its the darkest of times when you can't see the light.
But my girl, Harper Raegan, is strong and gorgeous and mine. I have to remember that. I have a daughter. I have two kids, not one. I have to remember that when its dark here. That her mommy loves her.
"She may be little, but she is fierce" William Shakespeare
