Thursday, December 15, 2016

Post baby shopping party!

Post pregnancy! Post pardum. I will be brutally honest. I gained 24 lbs during this pregnancy. Which is not that much (but consider I only went 7 months) If I went the full term Im sure I would have hit almost 40. And before this baby I was at my almost skinniest weight. 3 months later I have lost 12 lbs with 12 more to go. But I will be happy with 6-8 more. I am starting to fit back into my clothes and I have the will to shop again! Woo hoo. (Hubs is not happy with all the packages coming to our door) But it always seems like around the holidays I am click happy. I like to buy online and return. Its cathartic. Here are some things I have been buying (and returning) and keeping! I especially am into all of the leather details like in that Kooples dress I got and coated jeans and top I just got from Nordstroms. I love heathered soft wear like that cardigan and gap shirt and cold shoulder tee. And fur is fun with high top shoes. And the Chloe flats, still a dream. Not sure I need $600 shoes right now   - But there is always spring time :)
Winter 2016

Thursday, October 13, 2016


I have never in my wildest dreams wanted or thought I would ever have a c-section.  I could never understand why people who didn't need to have them, scheduled them, wanted them, planned on them, look forward to having them! But when you have a 28 week preemie and she is breach, you need to have an emergency one.

My first pregnancy was vaginal and he basically stayed in there for almost 24 hours and then I spent 1.5 hours pushing, until I vomited and he flew out. She was out in 30 minutes. The drugs were good and I saw nothing, felt nothing. It felt like tugging. I remember them closing me up and tugging more. I kept picturing my insides and organs splayed across the hospital bed. One person said "bikini season is over" and I imagined a huge slit down my tummy. Although the slit is just along the hair line. Day one is ok, because you have morphine running through you. Day 2 is a bitch. You can't go to the bathroom (besides the fact I had a catheter, which took forever to pee again after) I also had an experience with fainting since I needed a blood transfusion. Finally day 5 out of the hospital was fine, but you feel like a caged animal. You can't sleep on your side, you can't drive, you can excessively use stairs, you can't pick up the dog or your son who is over 5 lbs. Your scar twinges and your belly is constantly numb. UGH. Pain meds are fine and so are naps, but its awful. Also, my feet swelled up like cantaloupes and finally went down after a few days.

After week 2 you can drive again and you feel more free. I think now by week 4 I feel more like me. Emotionally however, you are a mess. Raging hormones and not leaving the hospital with your baby. For me, it was seeing all the swollen pregnant bellies, complaining about it. Like I wish I could hold my baby in my body longer to where she needs. But I couldn't.

By week 6 they say I will be back to normal. But what is normal anymore? 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Just writing it all down.....

Not even sure who reads this anymore. Not even sure it matters, just want to journal and keep track of things that have been happening.

Just as planned, as I do everything, we got pregnant this March 2016. Easy peasy as usual. Turns out this pregnancy was going to be one of the hardest things I have ever endured. All normal things, cravings, weight gain, stayed somewhat active, gym once a week and spinning too. Documenting my belly growing. My last real belly pic was 20 weeks. Then the bleeding came. I am no stranger to bleeding as I did my entire first pregnancy. Doctor saw no reason why it should matter.

Maybe its because I had a toddler Im chasing after, or stairs I go up constantly, or the exercise I was allowed to do, maybe my body is too small this time around or maybe I am being punished.

26 Weeks, we decide to go on a baby moon to Newport, Rhode Island. After that nothing was the same. I refer to the trip as a switch that got turned on that never got turned off. We spent two great days, at the beach, shopping, eating lobster, hanging out, until our second night there at dinner. I began to bleed, but more than normal. There were clots, there was bleeding and I thought we should check in to the hospital. Baby seemed fine and they found nothing wrong, I was transferred for the first (and apparently not my last) time in a stretcher to the another hospital (Providence) that was bigger in case something happened. All seemed fine, they gave me a steroid shot in my but to help develop babies lungs just in case. I got a second shot on my way home. Was told by my OB to take it easy for a few days. And I did. Then I was told I could resume activity. 2 weeks later we go to dinner (27 weeks and a few days) I felt a cramping. It continued for 2 hours on and off but went away and I went to bed. Same thing the next night, but went away.

My husband travels for work, so he had left to go to Maryland. I walked the dog, I made dinner for my son, I got up the next day and got him ready. I went to the grocery store, walked the dog again and went to the drs to check it all out. He finds nothing again. Just told with no explanation that my cervix is "sensitive" and it bleeds. Ok. Fine. I go home, I lay down, I walk the dog. I climb the stairs. My son comes home from my parents house and I feel cramping again. This time it won't stop. I put him to bed, I scream and I scream and I scream. Somewhere in the back of my head, I knew.... something was wrong. I kept hearing the dr tell me NOTHING was wrong, so I tried to get comfortable. I couldnt. I timed the pain. 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 2 minutes, EVERY MINUTE. I told my son "Don't worry, mommy will just be screaming" I call my parents "I need to go to the hospital"

After that everything happened fast. My mom scooped up my son, my dad was crying, my father in law grabbed the dog, my mother in law was rubbing my back. I was screaming. Ambulance was here and my second stretcher ride came. To the hospital. Not the one I had planned my luxurious easy birth with the lobster and the grand piano in the lobby. But the hospital I didn't think I would go to.

I screamed at the nurses, they ran a test, got my insurance, told me baby was breach, they felt a foot, and I was 8 centimeters dilated. Even with my first birth, I was only 1 cent for hours. I was in denial still. I said to them "Are you saying Im having this baby right now?" they said yes. Emergency C section was in my future. Inbetween contractions and signing my life away I answered the phone to my scared husband "Honey, its happening. Come home now" click.

Rolled into surgery, I begged the anesthesiologist not to paralyze me. He gave me the drugs, my body went numb. I turned around and my mother in law was dressed in full scrubs next to me. As they were opening my body up and moving my organs around, we talked about the weather, my sister in law, school, per functional things. I heard a little cry and my daughter was born, September 12th 10:56pm at 2.2 lbs a 28 weaker (micro-preemie). They took their time to sew me up. I heard the drs voice telling me I can NEVER have another vaginal birth again. All I kept thinking was I never want to do this again anyways. However, when someone tells you never, its hard to swallow. I just wanted the pain to stop.

I was in recovery, with morphine dripping through me, not allowed to see or touch her. I named her Harper. My husband was not there, although he had known this was the name for a while. Yet, it felt nice to pick the name without distress. He cried on the phone (he never cries) he's sorry and he wishes he could be there. I know. I know. I know.

None of this was in my plan. So here we are one week tomorrow of her birth. Harper Raegan (Raegan means little impulsive one, a warrior and confidant and stubborn) Perfect for my little fighter. As preemies go, she is breathing on her own (dr says it was the magic steroids in Newport) and she hardly takes too much from her CPAP (Compressed pressurized air purifier) I believe?! She is tiny, so she needs to gain a ton of weight. So we will wait. 8 weeks, 10 weeks, 12 weeks max we hope. And take her home when she is done cooking.

Each day is a roller coaster. I have emotions that I never knew that I had. I hate Facebook often. I hate those pregnant women (some are my very good friends) who have fat bellies and are reaching 30, 35, 37 weeks and complaining. Why can they hold their babies in and I can't? I hate seeing pics of two kids and smiley faces with no hardships to endure. I hate all of it. The pain from the c-section is maddening. Its so awful and the hormones are staying with me. Amongst a million other things not in my plan, I am pumping to give my baby the nourishment she needs. I wanted to bottle feed. And part of me thinks I am going to mess this up too. Eat the wrong foods, hurt her belly, poison her.

Part of me wants to fall asleep and wake up 3 months from now ready to take her home, fat and happy and healthy. And the what if factor weighs heavily. What if she doesn't make it, what if she has long term sight, hearing, breathing, anything issues? Why did I do this to her? Why me?

Ive had a really bad year. Why god thinks I can handle all of this I will never know. I am paying for the sins of my past. I will forever beat myself up in my head. I try to find solace but nothing. I just think time and healing will help. People I know don't know what to say, and some are just so selfish. Its amazing to me how differently I look at the world sometimes. Its amazing to me, how I can see myself shutting down. The thought of my husband being away again makes me cower. Just one push and I will fall down and never get up again.

Hoping to read this later on with a brand new perspective. Its the darkest of times when you can't see the light.

But my girl, Harper Raegan, is strong and gorgeous and mine. I have to remember that. I have a daughter. I have two kids, not one. I have to remember that when its dark here. That her mommy loves her.

"She may be little, but she is fierce" William Shakespeare 

Friday, July 22, 2016

Pregnancy Style

So I am on my second pregnancy officially at 20 weeks! We found out early that we are having a girl. We couldn't be more excited. Not saying its true or anything, but I followed every rule and guideline on how to get one and also followed the Chinese gender chart and here we are. I have decided this pregnancy besides a few major necessary things (maternity leggings, jeans and all bottoms actually, and even maternity bras) that I am not going to buy any more hideous maternity clothes. Just really cute, looser fitting items that I can wear again after baby is born. So I don't feel like I am wasting money this time around. So On top I have my more dressier items, maxi dresses, flowy tops and flawy dresses matched with gorgeous diamond X earrings. I have been dreaming about this H clutch and its on my list for my big 35th birthday this year. On the bottom my more casual items, flowy tops, more tighter ones with belly to show, comfortable Nikes and this great tote from Zara I picked up. And on the side this really pretty diamond X ring that I have been debating for my other hand.

What have you been wearing this pregnancy?

Pregnancy Style

Splendid gray dress
$145 -

Maxi dress

Velvet top
$62 -

Sanctuary stripe top

NIKE woven shoes
$85 -

EF Collection 14k earrings

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Fall Fashion 2015

So even though we are basically displaced from our under construction home, a girl's gotta shop, right? So with what little money I have, I've been trying to construct a decent fall wardrobe. I bought a few things while still in NYC and just broke them out now. I have been loving Banana Republic's fall stuff like these adorbs moto booties and army coat (which I got on sale!) I have been loving flowy tops by Sanctuary and these AG skinny denim are by far the best buy! I used Bloomingdales friends & family to get mine :) Loving Hermes bag and bracelet combo for fall and my Vince sneakers are a go to for chilly non-pedicure weather. What have you been out buying?

Fall Fashion 2015

Sanctuary bohemian top

Banana Republic button jacket

Vince platform slip on sneaker
$205 -

Banana Republic zipper boots

Crossbody shoulder bag
$3,535 -

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home


So a few weeks ago, this NYC momma has become suburban! I know. It was definitely bittersweet. But all are adjusting and loving all of the space. We basically bought into the town we wanted for the schools and location. We however could not find our true dream home, so we had to make it! We started construction this week and we are really excited to see it when its done. We are redoing the entire kitchen, den, dining room and building a master bedroom with two walk in closets and master en suite bathroom. So ever since I knew we were house hunting I have been pinning furniture ideas. That's the fun part, right?! Here are a few of my faves.

I love love love - they are only in the west coast or down south, so when we were in San Francisco, I stopped in and placed a very large order! I love a lot of grey and white, as well as taupe and beige, and some teals and other colors to brighten them up. I have almost finished picking out everything for the kitchen and then the den is next. After that, its on to painting and lighting and finally I will begin to think about the master bathroom.

So I am juggling my son, my event planning career and being a project manager as well as head interior decorator at my own house. Lets just say, thank goodness its summer! In the few moments of downtime, I have been relaxing at the pool and our new big backyard. Sometimes life is good, even in the middle of a construction period!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Summer 2015

Now that it is really starting to feel like summer, I have the shopping bug! I got some really cool pieces that can go day or night. I got this first top in a pink color with some white jeans and my new Valentino rock stud pumps. Then a simple black tank with my new favorite summer staple these AG distressed denims, my Hermes bangle and these Vince Blair slip ons! (Order them a 1/2 size smaller, they run big!) What have you bought for this summer?! 

Summer 2015